Paula Moldenhauer
An Open Letter

A friend of mine is going through a really hard time. Actually, the reality is that many of my friends are going through hard times and that I’m right there in the midst of it with them. As I responded to my hurting friend yesterday, I felt some of my own heaviness lift, and was reminded of the passion that keeps me following hard after God, even when the immediate results aren’t encouraging. As I’ve been processing what I wrote her and thinking about so many of us who are in the fire right now, I decided to post a few revised portions of the letter here–and so I offer an open letter to all who are struggling today.

Dear One,

The reality is that you’ve been deeply disappointed and wounded by man and that God has left you confused. You did all you knew to do in obedience and the results have not been positive.

I’ve been there. Countless times I’ve come before the Lord, hurt and confused, sure that I’d obeyed, even taken brave chances in obedience, trusting He was going to make it all okay. Instead of the results I expected, pain and disappointment came. Sometimes prolonged results of disappointment over periods of years not months. And as proverb says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”

I have no magic answers, no formulas for recovery. But I do have some thoughts–and I’ve been processing a lot of this for myself. I think in the American church, we have somehow equated obeying God with everything working out okay–kind-a mixing Romans 8:28 with the American Dream. Work hard, obey God, and all our dreams will come true. Everything will be all right.
But Paul’s life doesn’t show that. Obedience got him flogged, chained, imprisoned, shipwrecked, and hungry. It also made him the most powerful influencer of all times in relation to the new covenant Jesus brought us. Paul’s destiny included incredible pain and disappointment, but it also affected the world for centuries after His death. (and has reached directly into my heart and given me Jesus in new and powerful ways of understanding. He’s my hero!)

I truly believe (and I’m doing a lot of self-talk as I write this email because I am in a similar place of darkness) that believers are being trained for battle. Across my relationships, the fire is hot. Disappointment burns. Relationships struggle. Pain abounds over situations that seem completely unreasonable. Honestly, I can only ask myself questions like: Am I willing to suffer for Christ? Is it possible that what seems like the opposite of I wanted will in time have eternal consequences of good? Do I trust God when life sucks? Do I want Him more than I want Him to fix my life?

Right now I’m begging Him to speak sweetly to me. To give me enough air to breathe and move forward. I’m tired of barely living–of gritting my teeth to make it day to day. I’m tired of discouragement, disappointment, and delay. Just this morning I was again counting the cost. Dare I entertain the thoughts that maybe I should just shut down, give up, and ignore the pressing call of the Master to service? Wouldn’t it be much easier to let go of those difficult things and live in a little bubble and take care of my family and quit trying to live an enlarged life under the direction of the Lord?

But then I’m hit full force by the thought that disobedience could have eternal consequences–and that obedience, as hard as it has been and as much as its results have disappointed me, could also have eternal consequences. The cost is too great not to obey. Not to follow the promptings of the Master.

The stakes are high. Bigger than I understand. I think the past 10 years of my life has been spent in a boot camp of sorts. I’ve felt put down, pressed down, abandoned, and ignored. I’ve felt defeated and ashamed. I’ve been the brunt of people’s censure, sometimes people I dearly love. But I’ve also began a journey of discovery of the Master that I wouldn’t trade for anything, even though lately He has felt far away more often than He has felt close. All the love and truth He has poured into me still bears fruit even in this barren time of an exhausted soul.

I have to believe our deep journey will bring forth deep fruit. He will use the darkness of soul to speak into places of darkness and call forth light. Our experiences will be used for eternal good. They are experiences of significance and will be used significantly.

Don’t give up, my friend. Don’t give up.

Father,
You hear the pleas of your people. You see our silent pain. You’ve brushed your finger across our hidden tears. We stand raw and empty before you. Our hearts cry to be filled. Our lungs scream for the breath of life. Please carry us. Free us from the darkness and give us the grace to live and speak your words from your heart of love. Help us rise above the past. Set us free from those things that have held us back and confused us. Give new insight into your devotion to us and new courage to follow you. Speak your love into your children. Bring us grace, healing, faith, love, and a confidence in you that we’ve never before experienced. We ask this in the precious name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Love and His blessings,
Paula

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